Its early Saturday morning, I am about to get going to clean up my room so that I can run down to Uniqlo and H&M then get back home to do lots of revision that has been going not too well.
Each time I get home from school, I spend about an hour resting. If there’s housework or cooking to be done means that I would only hit my books at 8-9pm. And mummy starts calling me on skype at 10pm. And if Darren is online, at 11pm depending on who calls first. Then I end up studying for just a short while. And by 11.30pm I have to get to bed to be awake for class the next day. And it just repeats itself daily. I have to do something about this. Its just so tiring that when Friday comes I just want to plonk on my bed and do nothing but this luxury makes me feel so guilty. Then the weekend passes and the horrible weekdays repeat itself. But thank goodness for eat together dinner times. I don’t feel so lost in my thoughts.
I’m trying hard to figure out what I really want and who I really am. For the past week, I’ve doubted myself lots of times on my what I can do and what I mean to others. Yes, I have felt inferior at instances. But sometimes I really don’t know who I am. Am I who I am because of what my parents tell me. Do I do the things I do because of what others do. I know my purpose here for the next 2 years is to study and gain lots of knowledge. But apart from that, I’m sure there’s something else. I want to go to Mongolia this October. I need to get out of Peking for a while. Not to play or give myself an excuse not to study. I need that 5 days, away from the rest of the world to see what it is like and figure out what I am. I’m not going to another city. I’m rather tired from the busy streets of Beijing. Horning cars become my alarm in the morning and all that chaos. I think it has sort of gotten to me and I need to just sit back and stare back. I realised that my park below my block is a good place to do that. Maybe I should do that more often in the morning before school. Just to not think about anything and just relax.
Alright, I don’t quite know what I’m talking about anymore, I’m going to clean my room and think to myself. But before that, BREAKFAST.
1 comment:
Dearest~ From following your blog a while while back, I've always been urged to share with you something that gives my life value and purpose. I've made minimal attempts to tell you about this, but this time, your words really made me think and want to let you know about this.
Before believing that Jesus was God's Son who came to this world to show us what it means to live among people - loving one another through our words but more importantly our actions, I felt like life was meaningless. It didn't feel like an exciting journey or adventure, but more of a monotonous cycle of repetitive actions (wake up, go to school, come back, sleep, wake up... primary school, secondary, college, university, work). There was no larger purpose to life. Our goal could be to get a job, but what after that?
When I read about this person in the Bible, about how He revolutionized the way we should live in this world, about how He stood for all things good and wanted badly to restore things back to what they were supposed to be like in the beginning, I grew to realize that human beings have a greater purpose in life, and that is to follow in the footsteps of Jesus.
My trust in Jesus has shown me my identity in Him. It's not about me anymore, but about Him. (Colossians 3:3) I can find security and trust in Him, and live my changed life in hopes of changing this world.
To me, this is what identifies me. This is who I am.
So I know that was a lot to read >.< I hope you made it through all of it. In summary, I don't expect you to "convert" immediately, but I challenge you to read about this Jesus in the Bible and to experience for yourself how amazingly wonderful it is to have your identity found in Christ.
I'm sorry I never had the courage to tell you all this in person. But always know that I have been and will always be praying for you.
<3<3 Jenn
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